I just....I don't know

I have loved my blog. There was a time when writing here meant *everything* to me. It was my place to vent, to share with my friends, to meet new people, to write about my life......

Then things happened. Actually, several 'things' happened. One wasn't because of the other like certain people may think. I came to the conclusion that I could not be in my marriage any longer and finally found the strength to do something about it. At this same point in my life I became involved with a very close, good friend of mine (MOMD).

I was attacked. This friend of mine was attacked. I withdrew from my 'safe haven' that I had used in the past to make me feel better and sane, and meanwhile while that drama was going on, there was a lot more behind the scenes that was taking place. Things I refuse to write about here. Things that involved my soon to be ex and I. Not okay things. I spent weeks in terror, having nightmares from these things. Afraid to spend the night in my own home because I felt scared and unsafe. MOMD came to my rescue and turned out to be my savior. Enabled my children and I to once again regain some normalcy and consistency and return to our lives as best we could.

And I was reminded on numerous occasions of that game "Telephone"........everyone sits in a circle and one person whispers a secret, a phrase, a short story, something to the person next to them and that person is supposed to whisper the exact same thing to the person next to THEM, and so on. But you always count on by like the third person, the story, phrase, whatever had changed slightly and definately by the time this blurb made the full circle it was an entirely different version. To the point the first person would be like "HUH?!". Well. Telephone became my life. Everyone had their own inflated version of what was going on. Yet next to no one came to the original sources to find out what really happened regarding ANY of these 'things'. AND just getting one person's opinion DOES NOT mean you have the "correct" one. I mean, what's that saying "there are always two sides to a story"???? There is. Always. I think it's incredibly important to remember this.

I'm not making sense to many of you, I guess. This has been an incredibly trying and difficult week for me. And the weekend was even more so. I am sad. For so many reasons. But some other things are heavy on my mind. Things like, the fact that numerous people feel it's ok to read other people's emails. And that, just because one person involved says 'so and so' does NOT make it RIGHT. Or what is *really* going on.

I'm rambling. All I'm trying to say is I feel incredibly violated. For over a year my husband stalked my every move. And when he moved out it became worse. I have discovered that people I would not wish to read this, have. I suppose that's a non issue. What I write here is public. But I have tried to keep it private and away from the eyes of some people. And now those people have read it. Are reading it. Copies have been made and are be distrubuted to other people. Other people, that I would not wish to share 'this' portion of my life with, are being encouraged to read it.

I can't write here anymore. My site has become a place where I can no longer express or have an opinion. Gone are the days of looking forward to writing here each day. Gone are the days where I could vent and feel better. I don't know what I plan on doing in the future regarding 'here'. I just know I can no longer be me. I find that thought very....disheartening, and sad. I guess there is a small part of me that is angry about that as well. But at this point, I can't harbor anymore animosity. I'm spent. I will have to give a great deal more thought into what I want to do about my blog. There is a good chance I will move it. Anonymously. If that happens, I will let the people that care, know. But, like I said. My thoughts are muddled and tainted with ick. So I'll have to invest more thought, sane thought, into it.

The last thing I want to mention is that I offer a heartfelt apology to those whom I have hurt.

.........::::sigh:::::.........

EE danced at 4:20 PM
 (18) comments